CJP's

1. single moment of
2. consecutive days where
3. parts of my body and
4. hours of tears turn into
5. minutes of soaking in a hot, hot bath while I swallow
6. extra strength pills and I'm reading
7. Habits of Highly Effective Families that turn the
8. o'clock hour into bedtime...for real. I'm only
9. times as likely to cry myself to sleep for the
10. th time in less than 24 hours.
    

i cut my finger on your knife

i dont know what that symbolizes

but it sounds serious

there was a time when I immediately needed to take you with me and there wasn't much of an option except to pout and throw my balled up fists into the air. you wouldn't come but you had good reason. i stopped half way home and called you to tell you that i almost died on the fucking freeway and i asked you to come get me so we could get a hotel together again. i wanted to lay with you all afternoon under the cool covers, smoky curtains drawn and free movies on the tv. cigarettes were at an arms length and our cokes were watery with melted ice from the ice machine down the hall and by the dirty pool and steaming hot tub. i just wanted you dude. i wanted you to come give a shit about me but you told me to breathe in and out and to drive home the rest of the way and that made me cry. as i slammed down the phone and got back in the car, i cursed the fact that i loved you. i hated the fact that i didn't have you all the time. i sat in the drivers seat to imagine all the ways i'd break up with you, and how i'd yell that you didn't give a shit about me dying (?!?) and that now we were over, fucking done, and then I saw that you'd written "i ♥ you" in the dust on my window. goddamn you.

When the floodlight was hitting those streaks across my windshield from the trucks slinging their mud as they whiz by on the freeway in the summer when im' driving and you're just a passenger and are at this moment even though the car wasnt moving because we were parked and you were talking out the window to a mutual acquaintance and i waited patiently as i do and half-listened as i also do but mostly just stared at those streaks and stared and thought and wondered why i put so much effort into maintaining fog in some places and clarity in others